In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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