Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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