I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
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