plz talk dirty to me
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
