Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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