You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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