im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
