Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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