Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
