When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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