so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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