someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm passing your future prison.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I think my moral compass just broke
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
