im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
