Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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