I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
