They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
