I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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