i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
