so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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