I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
