It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
