You just made me feel so damn special
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
