Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
