Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
