We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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