i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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