So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
