I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
