Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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