I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
