I just cut my nipple shaving
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
