Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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