I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
