I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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