if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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