you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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