the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
