Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
