All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
