The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
