not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
