I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
