Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
