Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
