Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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