I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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