Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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