Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
