I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
