you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
she peed on how many people?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Randomize
