I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Who did Billy Mays play for?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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