Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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