I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
