and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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