your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
