we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
