Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
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