Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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